tired

A week of discovery

Daisy and I survived our first week on our own as Dave went back to work on Monday.

This week I have discovered that you are constantly busy when looking after a newborn. When Dave was on paternity leave, there was someone else to help out with changing, feeds, sterilising bottles etc. I am the master of doing things one handed now. We have managed two short walks with Walter too!

Early on in the week I had so much self doubt and anxiety. I felt overwhelmed and thought I wouldn’t be able to be a good Mum. There were tears in the middle of the night when Daisy just wouldn’t settle regardless of what I did. But my family, particularly Dave, have been so supportive.

As this week has gone on, I have gained more confidence. Being a Mum is incredibly tiring. But it is also incredibly rewarding. Daisy has changed so much in 3 weeks. She is awake and alert more each day. I can’t describe how it makes me feel when she is looking up at me.

We are currently waiting for Dave to come home from work and to spend the weekend together as a family. I cannot wait.

Chester Bennington

Like so many people, I was shocked and saddened to hear that Chester Bennington, singer of Linkin Park had committed suicide. 

For those who are into rock/metal music, we all have that one band that got you hooked. The band that opened your eyes and ears to music that completely speaks to you. For me, it was Linkin Park. 

When I first discovered Linkin Park they had only just released Hybrid Theory. At the time, I was a teenager. I was struggling back then with feeling of low confidence, doubts and anxiety. I know now it was more than your average teen angst. 

Finding Linkin Park helped me feel a sense of belonging; that other people felt like me, that someone could captivate perfectly my own thoughts and feelings. I was fortunate enough to have seen Linkin Park live on a number of occasions. It’s hard to describe what it was like singing your heart out with thousands of other people. It was beyond magical. 

I have been in that deep, dark place that Chester must have been. It feels neverending. At my worst, I would spend hours researching ways to kill myself including where I would do it. It was all consuming. I didn’t see a way that the darkness would leave. I really wanted it all to end as it was unbearable. 

I can’t remember how or when, but I decided that I couldn’t go on feeling like this. I felt I was just surviving, not living. Thanks to my amazing family and friends who supported me I got the help I needed. It was not easy. Addressing the deep rooted issues in my head is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. At times, I had to take myself out of my comfort zone and trust my therapist. It was scary and exhausting. 

I am not saying that life is now a bed of roses for me. It isn’t. But I can identify triggers or when I am starting to decline. I am more open with my family and friends when things are hard. For years, I hid my difficulties which I now know made things so much more worse for me. 

Things can get better. If someone had told me a few years ago how my life would be now, I would never have believed them. No one should feel like Chester, that suicide is the only option. Please find someone to talk to if you are struggling. 

I hope Chester is at peace now. My thoughts are with his family and friends. I am sure I am not the only one who is grateful to have found Linkin Park. Chester’s voice spoke to a generation and helped us during our worst moments. It is such a shame that he didn’t feel able to continue living when he had so much more to give. 


I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real. 
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along. 

Somewhere I belong 

Linkin Park, Somewhere I belong

Emotional Day

Yesterday was my lovely Grandad’s funeral. I broke down crying as soon as the cars came to pick us up from my Nan’s house. I then cried all the way to the crematorium and throughout the funeral. The service was lovely. My Dad did an amazing job as a pallbearer and reading a poem. I was so proud of him. During the eulogy, the vicar doing the service mentioned about how excited my Grandad was about becoming a Great Grandad. It was hard to hear that, knowing he will never meet the baby. 

Due to the baby being awkward during our initial 12 week scan last week, we were offered one yesterday evening at 6pm. Part of me felt guilty that we had the scan on the same day as my Grandad’s funeral. The scan went really well. The baby is looking healthy and well. The brain looks good as does the heart. We saw the baby trying to suck its thumb and it looked like it was waving at us! The baby appears to have long legs too. They must take after me! We have a private scan booked for 3 weeks tomorrow to find out the gender of the baby. We can’t wait. The baby is due on 8th November. 

This weekend Dave and I are having a dog filled weekend. We are looking after Walter’s bestie/girlfriend as my friend is on a course. We are going to go to doggy play tomorrow afternoon and on Sunday we are taking them on a dachshund walk. I think a chilled out weekend is just what I need with Dave and these two:

I didn’t sleep well last night even though I was exhausted. I woke up around 3am and struggled to get back to sleep. 

The battle within

My head is in a strange place at the moment. Each day is like a battle that I am fighting to get through.

This is the third day of feeling really low and highly anxious. I thought I was having what is a ‘normal’ low for me. But I am also experiencing higher levels of self loathing than normal. 

I struggle to sleep when I am like this. It is getting worse each night. No matter how tired I am, I don’t fall asleep for hours and I wake up frequently during the night. 

I am trying so much to get through this low. The gym isn’t always helping. I am on edge and anxious in classes. I tried pilates on Monday night after doing Bodyattack in the hope that it would help mentally. It was the worst thing I could have done; I spent the entire hour with thoughts in my head telling me how fat, useless and a burden I am. At least now I know not to do pilates when I am struggling…

Deep down, I know this will eventually pass. But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. If anything, I have days when I am mentally well that I fear the days like this again…

Scared and worried

My mental health assessment is going to be on Friday. I received a letter today. I need to phone them on Monday to confirm a time. 

So my question is, should I get Dave to come along with me? He has offered to so that he can be there to support me. I am unsure. Part of me would be grateful. Another part of me is concerned I won’t be totally honest if Dave is there. He knows that I feel suicidal but is unaware of how bad it can be. I have a massive fear that I will be sectioned under the Mental Health Act as a result of opening up about my suicidal ideations. 

If anyone has had a mental health assessment, I would really appreciate it if you could let me know what to expect. 

I am exhausted today. I spent the morning in the gym after another shit night’s sleep. I think I am going to take a sleeping tablet tonight. A proper night’s sleep might improve my mood. Dave and I took Walter for a walk earlier this afternoon. I felt anxious at times and I couldn’t pinpoint why. 

I’ve not got any other plans this weekend which is probably a good thing. It has been all go recently with Emma being here so I could do with time to chill out. I have a CBT session on Monday afternoon. My last session was a few weeks ago due to the Bank Holiday and Emma being here. 

Wiped out

Last night’s episode at the gym has taken it out of me. I am so tired. My eyes and head are really hurting. I took Walter for his walk in an attempt to wake myself up. I feel even worse for it. I have managed to eat a bit but I have no appetite. 

Walter has puppy class tomorrow morning and we are going round to my parents for tea. I would much prefer to sit in all weekend. I am not up to facing the world. However, that won’t help me get out of this low. 

When is all this shit going to end?!

Sleepy Sunday

Walter had us up loads during the night. It’s a good job he is so damn cute!

   
  

 

Walter had his last injection yesterday morning. We can finally start taking him for walks next Saturday!!! I think he was unsettled because of his injection. He is normally fine at night but we had to take him the toilet a lot more than usual. We are having a lazy day as we are all really tired. 

I was surprised how much easier I found the gym yesterday. Reducing the number of classes I go to each week has possibly helped. I really enjoy my Saturday mornings at the gym. More so now then when I was doing more classes.

I’m back at the doctors tomorrow morning. Although I am doing a lot better, I am still struggling with the occasional suicidal thoughts. 

I’ve not got much planned this week. Got the usual stuff like the gym and Dom. My sister might be coming round with her friend and her friend’s 5 year old daughter at some point. Our friends are coming round next Sunday with their dog. So happy Walter can be around other dogs next weekend. 

Gym rant 

So I nearly walked out of a class at the gym on Saturday morning. 

Going the gym was a big deal yet again on Saturday. Yet another crap night’s sleep on Friday and my poor appetite didn’t exactly have me motivated to get up at 8am. But I did. I forced some porridge down. 

The gym is busy at the moment. I have no issue with new people joining gyms. It takes courage to go in the gym or at a group exercise class when you are new to it. However, the amount of people who are then rude or inconsiderate give ammunition to those gym members who moan about new people. 

I stand at the back of the studio, near enough to the door. This helps me keep my anxiety in check. I make sure to arrive with enough time so that I get to work out where I am comfortable.

People are frequently coming late to classes. Instead of looking for a space in the studio they end up standing right near me. It happened in BodyAttack on Saturday but I was able to deal with it. As we move around the studio during this class I ended up with enough space around me. 

During BodyPump a number of people came in late. It is extremely distracting when you are trying to squat with a barbell. I ended up with two people practically on top of me. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. After the warm up I threw my barbell down in frustration and went and sat outside the studio in an attempt to calm myself down. I know that I would have gone straight home if it wasn’t for the fact that I refuse to be one of those people at the gym who leave equipment out. I managed to go back in and finish the class. 

My friend who runs the classes apologised to me at the end. As a result of what happened on Saturday it is making me dread going the gym even more so tonight. If it happens again tonight I will walk out. It’s a health and safety issue. I would have been the world’s worst if god forbid I hit somebody with a weight. Part of me is angry it got to this point on Saturday. My friend could have told these people to move to somewhere else in the studio. 

On a more positive note, Dave and I went out for lunch and for a drink in Starbucks on Saturday. I found I was full for the rest of the day. Looking back, we probably shouldn’t have gone to Starbucks. I became anxious quite quickly and I had to leave before finishing my drink. I tried to push myself too much. The rest of the weekend was spent catching up on Gotham, rewatching some more of House of Cards and we also watched the first episode of Fortitude. 

My sleep is terrible again. I had to have a nap yesterday afternoon. I am having horrible nightmares now. One woke me up last night and I struggled to fall back asleep. I have awful black bags under my eyes and my face is so pale. My appetite is still bad. I have yet to eat today. I lost 3lb this week. Probably why Dave made sure we went out for lunch on Saturday. 

Dave and I talked a lot over the weekend about my depression and anxiety. He is extremely concerned that I have still yet to see a counsellor. He is going to phone our local NHS services to find out what is going on. I hate speaking to people on the phone at the moment, as pathetic as it sounds. I don’t like speaking to people full stop right now though.