Let people in

If there was one thing I would tell anyone who has anxiety or depression it is the three words above. 

I had such a good day with my friend yesterday. We shopped, we had coffee, we ate good food and we talked. Conversations were about everything and anything from the mundane to the serious.  At one point I briefly mentioned how ill I have been; not working, struggling to get out of bed each morning, being under the crisis team etc. 

My friend said she would never let me get to that point again. She used the phrase, “I would kick your arse if that happened again”.  This is exactly what I need. A friend who won’t let me stay at rock bottom but instead will listen and encourage me to keep going. 

It has taken me a long time to see the importance of letting people in. I was a firm believer in shutting myself off and not allowing others to know I was struggling. It was a sign of weakness to tell others that I wasn’t coping. But this doesn’t help. It just prolongs my mental suffering.

It’s important to know who you can let in. Mental illness can bring out the best and worst in those around you. I was convinced that I would never have good friends again. But I have some amazing friends. All because I opened up and let them in. 

Talking, walking and sorting

Thank you to all the people who have left some really lovely and encouraging comments on my last post. I wasn’t expecting them at all. I am quick to find the negative in situations and you all helped me see that I was strong and brave to stand up for myself when at times I feel quite the opposite. 

I had my first CBT session last week. It went a lot better then I anticipated. I am not sure if I like the counsellor at the moment. At times she seemed sympathetic and at others she made me feel ridiculous and stupid for the way I think right now. I have three more sessions booked in before going to Australia. 

On Saturday the weather was pleasant. You would think given the UK press that we were experiencing a heatwave. It wasn’t warm. It was sunny and I didn’t need to wear a coat outside. Dave and I took advantage of it and went for a walk around a dam that is about 10 minutes drive from our house:





The fresh air and sunshine on my face felt fantastic. I felt so much calmer. We then went and had a drink in Starbucks. Although it was busy I didn’t feel overly anxious. 

Dave and I have been discussing the possibility of getting a dog when we come back from Australia. The benefits of me being outside were obvious after Saturday. I also think it will give me a sense of purpose having to look after a dog. We are not taking this decision lightly. We still need to discuss it in more detail. Plus currently Dave and I live in a rental property so we would need permission from our landlord. I’m hoping this wouldn’t be an issue with him as we have lived here for coming up to 4 years now and we are not looking to get a huge dog. 

Dave and I went through all our clothes we are planning to take to Australia. I have mostly everything. I just need a few more pairs of shorts and another bikini. Dave needs some more shorts and tshirts. I was supposed to be going out for the day on Friday with a friend. She has had to cancel though so Dave and I are going to get all the clothes we need plus all the other stuff we need (I’ve made a list). I felt so much better when I could see that we don’t need to buy that much. Dave’s auntie has been messaging him about us climbing the Sydner Harbour Bridge today! We have our visas sorted, car park booked and Dave has emailed the airline we are flying with to let them know we are going to be on our honeymoon. 

I went the gym on Saturday. A lot of people spoke to me about the incident with the woman pushing. They were all supportive of me. I found out from my friend that this woman has made someone else who comes to the classes so uncomfortable that she had stopped coming the gym! My friend is away from Wednesday for a few days so I am planning on mixing it up a bit at the gym. Normally I go to the gym on Wednesday mornings but I have decided to go to Insanity and Abs Blast tomorrow night instead. It is not worth the stress of potentially seeing this woman on Wednesday when my friend isn’t running the classes. I have been really up and down mood wise over the weekend so it really isn’t worth it. 

Strange few days

It feels like it has been a strange few days. Currently, I am extremely unsettled. I will get to what I think has set me off…

A few times for the past week or so I have reached a point where I feel like my brain completely shuts down. This has resulted in me curling up on my corner couch in the fetal position not being to do anything. I’ve noticed that I am unable to focus on what I am doing and zone out. It then feels like I am in this mindset for what seems like an eternity. 

This happened last weekend. Luckily Dave was here. He put my ipod on our speakers and eventually he distracted me. However, this happened again yesterday afternoon and again in the evening. Last night Dave had to prompt me to get up off the couch.

I have posted frequently that I go to the gym a number of times a week. I have also said that this is an ongoing struggle to do. I had actually felt less anxious about the gym the past week or so. I had spoken to my friend at the gym for a good half hour on Monday night. 

I got to bodycombat on Wednesday morning and stood at the back in a space waiting for the class to start. An older woman came in and stood directly behind me. My friend noticed this and asked everyone to move forward. This woman then actually pushed me! I told her not to push me. I was so angry. I don’t know how I managed to stay in the gym for bodycombat, bodypump and pilates. This is actually progress for me. A few weeks ago I would have walked out straight away.

At the end of bodycombat I decided to say something to this woman. I said that I did not appreciate being pushed. She then tried to argue with me! My response was that there is no excuse for it and I walked off to get my kit out for bodypump. 

I spoke to my friend at the end of the classes. She was disgusted and said I could make a formal complaint. She talked to the gym manager who then phoned me yesterday. My friend asked me if she could tell the gym manager about my depression and anxiety which I agreed to. The manager was lovely. She told me to keep coming the gym and that I am to tell her if anything upsets me when I am there. The infuriating thing is this woman hadn’t even booked on to bodycombat! My friend and the manager tried to find out who she is. This woman has actually broken the terms and conditions of her contract and could have her membership revoked. On Monday the manager is going to come up to the studio to see if this woman is there. 

I feel so strongly about making a formal complaint. It is wrong that someone thinks they can behave in this manner. After the phone call from the gym manager I was in tears. The whole thing played on my mind all last night. I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel the way I do because of this woman. I refuse to stop coming the gym but other people might not feel the same if something like this happened to them. 

On Tuesday I went out for the day with my sister. We went for lunch and I had this 



It was amazing. Really filling. So much so I couldn’t finish it all. We then looked round some shops. I got some stuff from primark for Australia. It was nice to spend the day with my sister. We have become closer recently. 

I am going to end this post with a photo of a note Dave left me under my phone this morning. It was lovely to read after how unsettled I have been these past few days. I hope everyone who is going through similar things to me has someone like Dave in their life. He gives me the strength to carry on x