Things can get better

Sometimes I find it hard to believe how much progress I have made over the years since being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I have two things that have happened over the past few days that I want to talk about.

Dave received a Facebook message from someone I have not been friends with for nearly 3 years a few evenings ago. I have spoken about this person. She was one of my bridesmaids when Dave and I got married. But when I was at my lowest, she made my life even worse. She made me feel guilty, didn't respect my boundaries and only cared about herself.

I made the decision that I did not want or need this person in my life. So I was surprised to find out this person messaged Dave acting as if nothing was wrong, asking how we were and congratulating us as she (somehow) knew I was pregnant.

Dave worried so much how I would react that he got in touch with my sister. She reassured Dave that I am stronger then a lot of people realise.

My first response when Dave told me was to laugh. I can honestly say that I have not once missed the friendship. I questioned the motives behind her getting in touch in the first place. Plus, the message acted if nothing had happened when it was quite the opposite.

Dave and I both agreed to ignore the message and that he would block her on Facebook. I am so happy with the people in my life. My family have always been amazing. I have the nicest and supportive friends. I didn't see the point in trying to be friends with someone who made me more ill and turned out to be an awful friend when I needed them the most.

I know for a fact that this message would have triggered my anxiety and depression when I was still struggling. I would not have been able to stop ruminating about it, quite possibly had a panic attack and it would have made my mood come crashing down. I would have brought it up continuously with Dave. It has been quite the opposite. We have not talked about it since Dave received the message.

Yesterday I went for afternoon tea for a friend's hen do. In the past, I would have automatically said no to something like this. I used to actively avoid situations like this; too many people, being with people I didn't know, a busy place etc. The only person I knew was the bride. But I went and had a good time. I chatted away to people I didn't know and they were all lovely.

To think there was a time that I was suicidal, struggled to leave the house and was constantly anxious and my mood was low is hard to believe right now. I am proud of how far I have come. I want to stress how it has not been easy to get to this point. There have been a lot of tears, pushing myself out of my comfort zone and being honest with myself and others when it is not always easy. I can recognise if I am starting to struggle and do things to help myself feel better.

Chester Bennington

Like so many people, I was shocked and saddened to hear that Chester Bennington, singer of Linkin Park had committed suicide. 

For those who are into rock/metal music, we all have that one band that got you hooked. The band that opened your eyes and ears to music that completely speaks to you. For me, it was Linkin Park. 

When I first discovered Linkin Park they had only just released Hybrid Theory. At the time, I was a teenager. I was struggling back then with feeling of low confidence, doubts and anxiety. I know now it was more than your average teen angst. 

Finding Linkin Park helped me feel a sense of belonging; that other people felt like me, that someone could captivate perfectly my own thoughts and feelings. I was fortunate enough to have seen Linkin Park live on a number of occasions. It’s hard to describe what it was like singing your heart out with thousands of other people. It was beyond magical. 

I have been in that deep, dark place that Chester must have been. It feels neverending. At my worst, I would spend hours researching ways to kill myself including where I would do it. It was all consuming. I didn’t see a way that the darkness would leave. I really wanted it all to end as it was unbearable. 

I can’t remember how or when, but I decided that I couldn’t go on feeling like this. I felt I was just surviving, not living. Thanks to my amazing family and friends who supported me I got the help I needed. It was not easy. Addressing the deep rooted issues in my head is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. At times, I had to take myself out of my comfort zone and trust my therapist. It was scary and exhausting. 

I am not saying that life is now a bed of roses for me. It isn’t. But I can identify triggers or when I am starting to decline. I am more open with my family and friends when things are hard. For years, I hid my difficulties which I now know made things so much more worse for me. 

Things can get better. If someone had told me a few years ago how my life would be now, I would never have believed them. No one should feel like Chester, that suicide is the only option. Please find someone to talk to if you are struggling. 

I hope Chester is at peace now. My thoughts are with his family and friends. I am sure I am not the only one who is grateful to have found Linkin Park. Chester’s voice spoke to a generation and helped us during our worst moments. It is such a shame that he didn’t feel able to continue living when he had so much more to give. 

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real. 
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along. 

Somewhere I belong 

Linkin Park, Somewhere I belong

Mummy Guilt

How is possible that at 18 weeks pregnant I am already experiencing Mummy guilt? There are two reasons. The first came about at what I thought was going to be a routine asthma review. 

Last Friday afternoon, I had a routine asthma review. The day after my review, my asthma became worse due to a cold I had getting on to my chest which is just typical. When I arrived for my appointment, the receptionist told me that I needed a doctor’s appointment to discuss my recent blood tests. Luckily, I managed to get an appointment after my asthma review. 

I am taking folic acid and vitamin D and I was told that I needed blood tests in order to receive more. I was advised to take this while pregnant. My vitamin D levels are low. But is it any wonder when I live in the UK? We don’t get enough sun. 

When looking through my notes, the doctor found that I was on paroxetine. She said that I shouldn’t be taking this when pregnant. I felt so sick, anxious and let down. As soon as I knew I was pregnant I saw my GP so I could discuss my medication. I was told paroxetine would be fine to take. To then be told that fluoxetine is a safer SSRI  made me feel so guilty. I have been risking my baby’s health and it could have been avoided. Paroxetine has an associated risk of heart problems in babies during their first few months. The only reassurance I have is that each and every scan we have had, our little girl has had a strong, healthy heart. I have been taking fluoxetine since Sunday and I see my midwife a week today. I need to book an appointment to see the GP next week so they can see how I am doing. 

The other reason I feel guilty is my lack of appetite and nausea which seems to have got worse again rather than better. I have been making a conscious effort to eat healthy. Yet thanks to morning sickness (which by the way, happens any time of day) I threw up all the grapes I had managed to eat. I worry that my little girl isn’t getting enough nutrition to grow and be healthy. 

I think I am dwelling on things a lot more than I normally would. As I mentioned earlier, I have been physically unwell. I am finally starting to feel better. Although I don’t work much, I do have a routine; going the gym, seeing family and friends, walking Walter. All of this has gone out of the window. I have been stuck in the house. Thankfully, I have Dom in a few hours and the sun is shining. 

The battle within

My head is in a strange place at the moment. Each day is like a battle that I am fighting to get through.

This is the third day of feeling really low and highly anxious. I thought I was having what is a ‘normal’ low for me. But I am also experiencing higher levels of self loathing than normal. 

I struggle to sleep when I am like this. It is getting worse each night. No matter how tired I am, I don’t fall asleep for hours and I wake up frequently during the night. 

I am trying so much to get through this low. The gym isn’t always helping. I am on edge and anxious in classes. I tried pilates on Monday night after doing Bodyattack in the hope that it would help mentally. It was the worst thing I could have done; I spent the entire hour with thoughts in my head telling me how fat, useless and a burden I am. At least now I know not to do pilates when I am struggling…

Deep down, I know this will eventually pass. But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. If anything, I have days when I am mentally well that I fear the days like this again…

Everything seems grey

It feels like all the colour around me has zapped away. Like I am in a strange haze. This time of year is always difficult for me. I am struggling to get enough quality sleep. I have been on the verge of crying all day and I don’t know why. 

It probably didn’t help that when I went to Aldi it was stupidly busy. I went at 6.30pm when it is normally really quiet. I could feel my anxiety building the longer I spent in the shop. 

We still have loads of sorting to do at our new house which isn’t helping my mood. Could do without Christmas so we could blitz it really…

A bump in the road

I have debated about whether I should write this post. Especially as things have been going so well for me. But I also think it is important that I acknowledge on here when things aren’t so great. 

The truth is, my mood has got progressively worse over the past few days. At the beginning of the week, I continued to push through it. But last night I came home from work and just cried. Everything feels overwhelming; work, the gym, even interacting with people. 

I am trying so hard to be kind to myself. My default mode whenever I am struggling is to chastise myself. I have done a 6km run with my friend, a PT session involving weights and boxing and a bodycombat class. I am still going to work even though it is taking every ounce of my being to be my usual self with Dom and Faith. But I can’t help repeatedly telling myself that I am just not good enough. 

I have decided to give Zumba and Bodysculpt a miss tomorrow. I am aching all over from going back to the gym. Particularly my thighs. I am struggling to get enough sleep so I could do with chilling out tomorrow during the day. On Friday, Walter and I are going to meet up with my mate, her dog and her nearly 4 year old for a dog walk. 

Dave and my mate know that I am struggling. They are both really worried. But they don’t know the full extent of how much I am struggling…

Depression likes to tell me that my life is worthless, that I don’t deserve to be happy, nobody likes me and that I am just an annoyance to those around me. So it is extremely hard to believe that this will eventually pass. 

Square One

I had planned to try and go back to the gym tomorrow. The plan was to just go and do some weights with my friend. Yet, the thought of it has left me in a right state. I have decided that if I am still like this on Monday then I will make an appointment with my GP. 

I feel like I am going downhill at a rapid pace. I have told Dave that I don’t want to go out and do anything this weekend. I am only leaving the house for work. After helping Faith in the morning, I come home and go back to bed. 

It’s a vicious cycle. I find it overwhelming being around people, but deep down I know that isolating myself from the world is fuelling my anxiety and depression. 

I can’t wait for this darkness to lift. 

Overwhelming

As this week has gone by, I have felt an overwhelming sense of dread when I need to get out of bed each morning. I wish I hadn’t said that I would work this week. It is really difficult being around people at the moment. I feel like I am trapped in a bubble of depression; looking in on other people who seem so happy and content. 

Each day I wake up more exhausted then the previous day. Each day it is more challenging to fight this and keep going. 

This week has highlighted how lonely I feel. After the gym last night, I cried when I was driving home. What few friends I have just don’t bother with me even when I make the effort. This in turn is leading me to not open up for fear of being hurt. My messages are now being totally ignored by certain friends. 

Dave knows that I am struggling. But he doesn’t know that I have felt suicidal. I really don’t want to go the gym tomorrow morning. It didn’t help me what so ever last night. It just made me feel paranoid and self conscious. 

I sometimes feel invisible. No matter how much effort I make, I am met with silence from people. This makes the idea of suicide more appealing. I won’t be missed and I won’t have to feel this awful ever again. 

Consistently low

Emotionally, I am in a strange place right now. My depression seems to have a hold right now. It is not an unbearably tight grip, but it feels like it is constantly there; like a tap slowly dripping. 

It is difficult to articulate. I have felt numb, a complete nothingness the majority of the time. I am becoming increasingly tired. I suspect this is due to the amount of energy even the most basic tasks are taking. My sleep has gone shitty again. I feel exhausted but frequently struggle to actually fall asleep. 

Any form of social interaction is a challenge. We have plans to see friends on Saturday afternoon and I would rather just sit in. The gym isn’t providing any enjoyment or respite from the low mood. 

I am still waiting on my appointment with the crisis team to do some work around my anxiety. In the meantime, I don’t know what to do. There isn’t a decent GP at my doctors for me to go to.

Although things are becoming increasingly difficult, I am still tackling my depression and anxiety head on. I am getting up each morning, working when I am supposed to be, taking Walter for a walk every day and still going the gym four times a week. 

Unraveling

I didn’t get the job I had the interview for. To say I am upset is an understatement. The job was a specialist behaviour advisor for an autism helpline. To be knocked back for this job has made me feel inadequate. Since I was 19 I have worked with those with autism. It is something I thought I was good at. 

The feedback I got from the interview has not helped my self esteem. When I am anxious I do speak faster. I naturally talk fast as a result of being from Liverpool. I did say during my interview that I do speak fast when I am nervous. I was told that I speak too fast and this was a concern. 

My anxiety can make social sociations difficult. I feel stupid and that I am being judged when I do speak to people when I am out and about. I now feel even more self concious about talking when I am out. 

I was told my autism knowledge was at a high standard and this was shown through my answers to questions and during the written assessment. I was then told that my knowledge was ‘too child based’. All but one of the questions I was asked were specifically to do with children with autism! 

Maybe I shouldn’t have applied for this job at all. I have felt constantly anxious since submitting the application. The build up to the interview had a huge impact on me. I wasn’t sleeping properly, struggling to relax and having stomach pain and headaches. I found travelling to London a nightmare. I don’t know what I would have done if Dave hadn’t offered to go. I was in a constant state of anxiety. 

I was out with Walter when I received the phone call to say I was unsuccessful. I hadn’t been out long and I just wanted to go straight home. I went into shutdown mode and couldn’t wait until I was back in the house. 

I was due to go the gym after taking Walter for his walk. I ended up cancelling the class I was supposed to be doing. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.

I am really trying to move past this whole thing but I am finding it difficult. If I can’t get a job that I am qualified to do then what the hell am I going to do? I have no energy or interest in doing anything today. I feel physically drained. I barely slept last night and Dave told me I was having night terrors. I have woke up with the same headache I went to bed with and sore face from how upset I was last night. 

I am still waiting for my NHS CBT sessions to start. I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to leave the house incase I have to interact with people. I am planning on taking Walter for his walk later on today when the chances of this happening are low. 

This whole thing has shown how fragile my mental state is. It is scary how fast I can unravel when faced with something difficult or challenging. The suicidal ideations are overwhelming. I don’t want to burden the few people that I am close to. I don’t know what to do. I am scared to be on my own but I don’t want to be around anyone either if that makes sense.